Dear List Articles,<\/p>\n
You are killing us.<\/p>\n
You: the List Article. You know who you are. The type of article shared on Facebook at an every-other-status-update clip: \u201cThe 5 Best Pumpkin-Flavored Specialties This Season\u201d and \u201c20 Important Speeches Interrupted By Kanye West\u201d and \u201cThe 17 Grisliest Death Scenes From \u201880s Slasher Movies\u201d and \u201c22 Things Right Behind You <\/em>That Could Kill You Right Now<\/em>.\u201d The List Article: an urgent and imploring photo-slideshow that pairs arbitrary numbers with timely subjects, all topped with hyperbolic adjectives that we simply can\u2019t ignore (usually the list is deemed the \u201cbest\u201d or \u201cworst\u201d of something, but sometimes it\u2019s \u201csexiest\u201d or \u201cugliest,\u201d or maybe \u201cdeadliest\u201d or \u201cmost likely to ruin your life if you don\u2019t immediately click this link\u201d).<\/p>\n And listen, I know what you\u2019re thinking: that my choice to write an open letter is lame because they\u2019re overdone too, the Internet having doubled in size simply from the number of open letters written to Miley Cyrus post-twerk. You\u2019re thinking that a quick Google search for \u201copen letters\u201d reveals 923 million results, including such gems as \u201cAn Open Letter to Sinead O\u2019Connor re: her open letter to Miley Cyrus.\u201d I get it.\u00a0 Open Letters are no longer a novelty. And whatever shred of honesty they might have had, whatever shred of positive purpose, disappeared when the Open Letter became a genre more suitable for celebrity-focused rants than for allowing underprivileged voices to invoke a public platform and speak truth to power. I get all of that.<\/p>\n But you know what? Despite any misgivings at my choice of genre for this article, I want to reinforce that it is you<\/em>, List Article, at whom we should direct our scorn.<\/p>\n What\u2019s that, you say? You don\u2019t have the attention span to read a full letter? Would it help if I listed <\/em>the reasons for your awfulness\u2014just so you <\/em>can understand? If I included headers and numbers, too? Fine.<\/p>\n (1)\u00a0\u00a0 You don\u2019t care if you are useful. You only care if you generate \u201cclicks.\u201d <\/strong>The other day I clicked on a list purporting to reveal which everyday foods I\u2019m eating that I\u2019d never expect to be unhealthy. \u201cOh no!\u201d I said. \u201cPlease don\u2019t tell me that orange juice made the list? Or romaine lettuce? I must click the link and learn how to save myself!\u201d The List Article revealed to me, however, that it is unhealthy to eat cheeseburgers and drink milkshakes. And still tens of thousands of readers were suckered into clicking through the slideshow for that useless information. You win, List Article. You win every time.<\/p>\n (2)\u00a0\u00a0 Your true purpose is to waste time.<\/strong> Even worse, most readers don\u2019t even expect enlightenment from you. You are a workday diversion. You\u2019re content for the sake of content, empty eye candy to fill our screens. Editors and writers know that you\u2019re just \u201cclick bait\u201d designed to get shared, so why bother with something artful or thought-provoking or necessary? Just create a list of \u201cBest Cereals\u201d and get us arguing for hours on comment boards about Cookie Crisp vs. Count Chocula.<\/p>\n (3)\u00a0\u00a0 You teach us to demand<\/em> less <\/em>of what we read.<\/strong> You rarely offer us anything new, often just appropriating content from other sources, condensing \u201ctips\u201d and \u201canalysis\u201d from lengthier articles and books. You\u2019re no better than skim milk cut with water, a distant and diluted relative of the original flavor. But because you\u2019re brief in text and colorful in layout, and ask us only for minimal investment, we not only accept your lack of real utility and value, but actually get disappointed <\/em>when other texts require more of us.<\/p>\n We live in a world where everyone is constantly too busy, somehow multitasking in five different mediums at once. Texting while driving is actually the least dangerous thing we do. I see people texting while eating breakfast <\/em>while driving (and really, they\u2019re not even texting: they\u2019re checking two different email accounts, and Facebook, and college football scores, and Words with Friends). We live in a world so digitally overwhelming that it\u2019s become a major victory to clear our email inbox, or to clear the red notifications on our iPhones.<\/p>\n List Article, I know that you didn\u2019t create the Internet, or the smart phone, or the culture of immediacy, but you\u2019ve become our worst offender in asking us to drop what we\u2019re doing right now<\/em>, and click here<\/em>, and don\u2019t worry because it will be quick and then you can get back to what you were doing<\/em>, and also, never mind the three minutes we just wasted reading \u201c10 Unexpected Celebrity Coke-Heads,\u201d or the five minutes reading \u201cTop Presents For Your Dog This Christmas,\u201d because maybe tomorrow we\u2019ll discover a list of \u201c15 Easy Ways to Increase Productivity.\u201d <\/p>\n